Tag Archives: Movies

Stop it, Hollywood!

Recently Hollywood has tried to add new life to the traditional zombie movie. I imagine the zombies are all for this but they should not have a say.

Zombies shamble. They do NOT run, jump or climb, they shamble.

And that’s as it should be since running, jumping and climbing are not healthy activities for the undead. They are brittle creatures. Their skin doesn’t even stay on well. I expect that’s a result of their high protein diet since all they eat is living humans—when they can catch them.

Of course that’s Hollywood’s quandary. Back in the day when zombies were black and white and had people trapped in drafty old farmhouses survival was pretty much a fifty-fifty proposition. If you were a zombie you and your friends would try to get into the farmhouse and do lunch without getting your heads blown off by a shotgun. As we all know the zombie’s head is its control room. Blow the head off and the undead becomes a real dead. On the other side, if you were a living person inside that farmhouse you’d wield your double-barrel—The Decapitator—to repel unwanted guests and avoid having your throat ripped out by the jaws of a zombie. A little aside here: Alligators are credited with having the most powerful bite of any living creature. The zombie’s bite is even more powerful but isn’t credited due to its life status.

I digress, though that’s what asides are for. In the years since black and white farmhouses, Hollywood has given living celluloid humans all sorts of flight-or-fight technology—automatic rifles, hand grenades, flame throwers, crotch rocket motorcycles, muscle cars, mountain bikes…yes, even a pedalled bicycle can easily outdistance a shambling zombie. Thus the Hollywood dilemma: advantage, living human. Imagine you’re a member of the walking dead looking for a snack, you shamble up behind an unsuspecting farmer, desperate to stifle that moaning groaning noise your kind can’t help, you lurch toward his neck and the bleepin’ guy leaps on a tractor and trundles away to the south forty. On a tractor. That does maybe 10 mph wide open. You’d want to flop down on a rock and quit.

Movie makers recently have tried to even the score by creating zombies that are able to run…ok, they aren’t Olympic sprinters, but still…and not only run but climb fences and ladders and jump down from modest elevations. Here’s where I say “Stop it, Hollywood.” If you’re going to have running jumping zombies you’re going to have to improve their diets with some citrus, bananas, greens, whole grains—see the food pyramid. Otherwise you still have the traditional fragile zombie, let’s say a female—she attempts to run, the impact of foot upon ground drives the tibia through the skin of her lower leg and mobility is lost. She can still drag herself along the ground by her fingers, destroying her nails, but that’s really just a form of shamble. Imagine trying to climb a chain link fence and your own weight pulls your fingers off. Or you jump down from a large shipping crate and the blow of the landing drives your thigh bones up and into your control center to render you for real dead. Better off shambling.

So here’s the message, film makers: if you want us to continue to believe that zombies are real, and that we should leave a night light on, either stick to the shamble or come up with a semi-healthy creature—the partly dead, the walking half-dead, the 35% dead, whatever–something that eats right and is only partly dead and therefore able to chase us and climb our fire escapes. Please keep the involuntary moaning and groaning though.

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Which Sci-Fi Crew would you best fit in?

A fun quiz, and I’m gratified to fit in with the crew of what used to be my favorite show. URL to get your own quiz results at the bottom of the post. Thanks to ebenstone for pointing me to it.

You scored as Babylon 5 (Babylon 5), The universe is erupting into war and your government picks the wrong side. How much worse could things get? It doesn’t matter, because no matter what you have your friends and you’ll do the right thing. In the end that will be all that matters. Now if only the Psi Cops would leave you alone.

Babylon 5 (Babylon 5)
 
100%
SG-1 (Stargate)
 
88%
Serenity (Firefly)
 
81%
Nebuchadnezzar (The Matrix)
 
75%
Moya (Farscape)
 
75%
Millennium Falcon (Star Wars)
 
75%
Bebop (Cowboy Bebop)
 
63%
Heart of Gold (Hitchhiker’s Guide to the Galaxy)
 
56%
Deep Space Nine (Star Trek)
 
50%
Galactica (Battlestar: Galactica)
 
50%
Enterprise D (Star Trek)
 
50%
FBI’s X-Files Division (The X-Files)
 
44%
Andromeda Ascendant (Andromeda)
 
25%

Which sci-fi crew would you best fit in with? (pics)
created with QuizFarm.com

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American Film Institute: Top 100 Movies

The American Film Institute has put together an Interactive Tour with 100 of the best movies –read American movies, of course. Very few “modern” movies or silents, lots of movies from the 40s and 50s, and none from any of the international film makers (e.g., the UK, Italy, France, Germany). I’m not complaining, much, since a lot of my faves are on the list, although some are missing, in my opinion, like The Princess Bride (some of the best lines ever are in that movie) and some shouldn’t be there, like Tootsie.

Here are the first 30, according to AFI (an asterisk for my favorites):

  1. Citizen Kane
  2. The Godfather
  3. Casablanca*
  4. Raging Bull
  5. Singin’ in the Rain
  6. Gone With the Wind
  7. Lawrence of Arabia
  8. Schindler’s List
  9. Vertigo*
  10. Wizard of Oz
  11. City Lights
  12. The Searchers
  13. Star Wars*
  14. Psycho
  15. 2001: Space Odyssey*
  16. Sunset Boulevard
  17. The Graduate*
  18. The General
  19. On the Waterfront
  20. It’s a Wonderful Life*
  21. Chinatown
  22. Some Like it Hot
  23. The Grapes of Wrath*
  24. E. T.*
  25. To Kill a Mockingbird*
  26. Mr. Smith Goes to Washington*
  27. High Noon
  28. All About Eve
  29. Double Indemnity*
  30. Apocalypse Now

Others of my favorites that made the list:

  • The Maltese Falcon (31)
  • Snow White (34)
  • Treasure of the Sierra Madre (38)
  • The Philadelphia Story (44)
  • Rear Window (48)
  • North by Northwest (55)
  • The African Queen (65)
  • Indiana Jones — Raiders of the Lost Ark (66)
  • Twelve Angry Men (87)
  • The Sixth Sense (89)
  • Pulp Fiction (94)
  • Blade Runner (97)

I was surprised at how many SF/supernatural movies made it on the list and how few animated did (only Snow White and Toy Story). The list was selected by what they call “expert jury” although they didn’t name them.

I’m going to be a girl and say that my favorite of all times is Casablanca. I suspect my friend Robyn’s will be The Godfather (right, Robyn?)

What’s yours? Is it on the list? If it’s not, why do you think it was left out (apart from the judges being totally inept and biased)?

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