…and two steps back. Sigh.
Or maybe it’s just the pendulum effect and with time, mores and attitudes move from one end of the spectrum to the other, from conservative to liberal then back again. Or from women fighting for equality to women accepting — no, touting– that men are superior and must be catered to.
While surfing blogs this morning I happened on one post that made me shudder: Why my Marriage Works. It made me shudder not only because of what it says but because it links to other blogs that say the same thing or things in the same tone.
I think my job as a wife to take care of the house, stay home and raise the children, and make sure my family has what they need-when they need it. I wrote a post a loooooong time ago about how to keep your man happy. It was NOT well received by the women and I completely understand why but it works for us. Iâ€™m not some slave that bows down to her man but I make him FEEL like heâ€™s DA MAN!
Whether as a woman you see your role as staying home for your children, there are several things wrong, in my opinion, with the previous paragraph. First, raising children is not a one-parent activity. I’ve met too many women who married to have kids but didn’t take into consideration that their husbands may not understand how a child disturbs a household. Because he’s not prepared, either mentally, emotionally or physically, he abdicates. How many time have I heard “you’re the one who wanted kids”? Parenting, just as making the kids, takes two people, two involved people. How kids are raised should be as much a shared activity as budgeting or making love.
Coming back to the paragraph above, “I make him FEEL like heâ€™s DA MAN!” Huh? You mean a man doesn’t know he’s a man without a woman using her wiles to convince him he’s the boss? Why should there be a boss in a relationship anyway, especially one with children, where a couple presumably should make decisions together about the future? Why would a man even need to have someone to make him feel like a man? I say if he does, he’s not a man, he’s a boy playing at being a man. If I had to cater to my man to make him feel like he’s in control of this relationship (even though, according to the blogger quoted above, he isn’t) then not only do I not respect him, but I don’t respect myself.
Which doesn’t mean that I shouldn’t take into account how men and women approach and solve problems differently. That’s just smart, and that’s understanding human nature.
Our blogger above also proudly quotes another who tells us how to keep your man happy and where a woman’s place is. This woman talks to us, independent women (her italics) as if we had a terminal disease or a moral flaw. She argues that “a woman works, most likely she is going to give it her all at work..she has to in order to get respect and keep her job.” Which means that when she gets home, she has no energy left for her kids or her husband. And that won’t do, especially if you want to keep your man, because “â€¦making love to your husband and making him feel like a manâ€¦that is also part of a wifeâ€™s job. Meeting his physical and mental needs are essential to a marriage. ”
If it weren’t so illogical, it would be funny. This woman is actually saying that:
- raising kids is not work;
- raising kids is less tiring than outside work;
- she doesn’t have to “give it her all” when raising her kids because she can’t lose her job and doesn’t need to get respect;
- that her husband needs sex to feel like a man;
- that, despite working outside the home, and giving it his all, he’ll have as much energy as if she stayed home and therefore is always ready to have sex, whereas a woman working outside the home can’t and isn’t.
I won’t go into the fact that she takes for granted that if both work outside the home, it falls to the woman only to take care of the children and the household chores.
And of course, keeping your man happy has nothing to do with treating him as an equal, as an adult (and not the extra child in the family), as a partner, and expecting the same thing from him. It has all to do with wearing attractive clothes, not nagging, asking permission (to make him feel in control, and therefore, a man) and taking the initiative in bed (only once in a while, mind).