This blog is a recent discovery, and a lot of fun. Say No to Crack is a site about “clean” humour, although the cleanliness is pretty loose, considering there’s a toilet in the blog’s logo.
Since we all need a little levity in our lives, I thought I’d share the fun.
As we know, the world’s upside down in Australia, so while it’s winter here, it’s summer there.
“Take your togs or cossies, your esky packed with amber fluid and maybe a dog’s eye for a snack. Bend the elbow too much? Stop off for a long black, a short black or a flat white to make sure you don’t end up a few kangaroos (roos) loose in the top paddock.
The Washington Post published a tongue-in-cheek article about the strange colloquialisms that sprout up in Australia, “define the Australian identity and give continuity to the variety of voices and experiences that shaped the country’s history”.
The words are so commonly used that the Government of Australia has added them to their citizenship tests. As a would-be Australian, you’d better know the lingo.
“Assuming you pass the tests and move to Australia, you’ll probably find yourself flat out like a lizard drinking, that’s extremely busy, from the hard yakka or labor of your new job.
If you get time for a beach picnic try not to let the heat and beer make you chunder or vomit in the dunny, that’s toilet.”
Oh, and the translation of that first quote?
“Take your swimwear and cooler box full of beer and a meat pie to eat. A bit too much to drink? Have a small or large black espresso coffee or a white coffee to make sure you are fully compos mentis when you get home.”
“Dear Author: Your participles are dangling. Please tuck in. Love, Bear.”
Elizabeth Bear and friends have this very funny post at LiveJournal about what they would write if they wrote really honest rejection letters instead of sending the usual form letter that is, more often than not, not even signed. Oh, yes, I’ve had many of the latter. Now I’m thinking I’d rather receive those than something “honest” like the letter below:
“Dear Author: Not just no, but hell no. Love, Bear”
The Washington Post has, once again, published a list of neologisms based on common words:
- Coffee (n.), a person who is coughed upon.
- Flabbergasted (adj.), appalled over how much weight you have gained.
- Abdicate (v.), to give up all hope of ever having a flat stomach.
- Esplanade (v.), to attempt an explanation while drunk.
- Willy-nilly (adj.), impotent
- Negligent (adj.), describes a condition in which you absentmindedly answer the door in your nightie.
- Lymph (v.), to walk with a lisp.
- Gargoyle (n.), an olive-flavored mouthwash.
- Flatulence (n.) the emergency vehicle that picks you up after you are run over by a steamroller.
- Balderdash (n.), a rapidly receding hairline.
- Testicle (n.), a humorous question on an exam.
- Rectitude (n.), the formal, dignified demeanor assumed by a proctologist immediately before he examines you.
- Oyster (n.), a person who sprinkles his conversation with Yiddish expressions.
- Circumvent (n.), the opening in the front of boxer shorts.
- Frisbeetarianism (n.), The belief that, when you die, your soul goes up on the roof and gets stuck there.
- Pokemon (n), A Jamaican proctologist.
- Bustard (n.), a rude bus driver.
- Semantics (n.), pranks conducted by young men studying for the priesthood.
- Spatula: n. A fight among vampires.
- Excruciate: n., the ligament that attaches your ex-wife to your paycheck.
- Perplexed: adj., lost in a movie theater.
- Population: n., that nice sensation you get when drinking soda.
- Racket: n., a small pair of breasts.
- Nincompoop: n., the military command responsible for battlefield sanitation.
- Ineffable: adj., describes someone you absolutely cannot swear in front of.
- Pontificate: n., a document given to each graduating pope.
- Pimple: n., pimp’s apprentice.
- Discussion: n., a Frisbee-related head injury.
- Ozone: n., area in which the G-spot is located.
- Flattery: n., a place that manufactures A and B cup brassieres only.
- Cabbage Patch: A patch for those trying to stop eating cabbage.
- Sudafed: A software program on how to file a civil action against the government.
- Pop Secret: Paternity suit settled without publicity.
- Oral-B: Monica’s grade on her last intern evaluation.