Fiction Friday>>Time out

[Fiction] Friday Challenge for May 29th, 2009:

Choose one of the following (or both!)

Put this into your story – “Time out! Time out! We can call that, right?”

OR: write a poem from this image – A fallen star.

“Time out! Time out! We can call that, right?”

“For Christ’s sake, Shirley, get serious.”

“I am being serious. We’ve always dealt with Junior with time outs before. Why wouldn’t it work now?”

“Because what he did warrants more than a few minutes alone in his room.”

“We don’t know that he did it. We suspect that he did it.”

Hank sent his wife a pitying look. “How long are you going to play the mother hen? How long are you going to protect him? Look at him! He doesn’t even look like he regrets what he’s done.”

“You don’t know he did it!”

Hank winced at the shrill sound of his wife. “Why send him in time out, then?”

“Well, he was in with bad company. He ought to reflect on that.”

“Bad company?” Hank couldn’t believe his ears. He felt like his eyes would pop out of his head any minute. “Bad company? Shirley, you are the dumbest woman on this side of the Atlantic. The kid is drenched in blood, and it’s not his. He killed a man, Shirley. He killed him with an axe for the twenty bucks in his wallet and the ten year old TV is his living room. I’d say that warrants more than a time out.”

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7 thoughts on “Fiction Friday>>Time out

  1. Jodi Cleghorn

    The first thing to spring to mind after reading this is the law – and how any reaction is meant to equal (thus someone pulls a gun on you you can pull a gun on them – but it is excessive to pull a gun on someone with a baseball bat!)

    The obsurdity of the wife’s reaction is another thing. You built suspense up quickly in such a small space and always offer a whopper twist at the end. I also enjoy your minimal use of dialogue attribution to keep the story moving at a fast pace.

    You can find mine at http://jodicleghorn.blogspot.com/2009/05/fiction-friday-derby.html

  2. Stephe

    Eeeeeek! 🙂 I was waiting for a twist and knew I would get it.

    I agree with Jodi–your dialogue is exquisite. (But then I knew that way back when SYNERGY came my way.)

    I’m going to try one of these–if I can get my current WIP to turn me loose for a minute.

  3. James Ashelford

    Okay, that’s a little bit scary… but great. You played the conventional motherly defense of their child just long enough before you brought in the hook of what the kid had actually done. Very nice.

  4. Beatriz

    Oh…wow!! I didn’t even see it coming! It’s amazing how you could do that in such a short time! It could be because you’re a professional ; ) Or you’re just a good writer!

    Thank you for leaving an encouraging comment on my blog! I’m so honored by your visit!

    I’m not sure if this is appropriate, but I would love to know what you think of my more serious writing. In my other blog, I am writing short memoir stories. An independent editor thinks they’re pretty good, but I would love to know what a good writer thinks of them. My plan is to continue writing these short stories until I’m ready to start writing my memoir. If this is inappropriate, please forgive me and ignore this request.

    I read more than one post and I will return for more. I’m sure I’ll enjoy reading your posts. I hope that I’ll be able to write as well as you.

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