Daily Archives: January 13, 2007

The Dysfunctional Family Letter Generator

Dear asshole,

I just wanted to let you know that you have completely fucked up my life. If you had any balls you would be dangerous. I have a daily appointment with my therapist now because you have misled me one too many times. I have frequently looked the other way, which makes me almost as dumb as you.

This time you have painted yourself into a corner.

I have never shirked my responsibility to tell you that you are a bonehead loser. You would be so much better off if you would just lay off of the welfare and get a job. You must be the product of inbreeding. You are EVIL! It is time for you to stop being a leech. Let this also serve as notice that all future visits have been cancelled as I have an appointment in HELL that I just can not get out of.

Piss off you waste of space,

Jack

PS: Please do not reply back, the subject is CLOSED. I need time to cut your face out of every family photo.

Boy, that felt good. Don’t bother stealing that letter. Write your own.

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Banned Books in the ’90s

From Carnegie Mellon University, a list of 50 of the books most often banned in the States in the 1990s. Which ones have you read, you naughties? The ones I have are in bold. I’ll have to get going on the others.

  • Impressions Edited by Jack Booth et al.
  • Of Mice and Men by John Steinbeck
  • The Catcher in the Rye by J.D. Salinger
  • The Adventures of Huckleberry Finn by Mark Twain (Samuel Clemens)
  • The Chocolate War by Robert Cormier
  • Bridge to Terabithia by Katherine Paterson
  • Scary Stories in the Dark by Alvin Schwartz
  • More Scary Stories in the Dark by Alvin Schwartz
  • The Witches by Roald Dahl
  • Daddy’s Roommate by Michael Willhoite
  • Curses, Hexes, and Spells by Daniel Cohen
  • A Wrinkle in Time by Madeleine L’Engle
  • How to Eat Fried Worms by Thomas Rockwell
  • Blubber by Judy Blume
  • Revolting Rhymes by Roald Dahl
  • Halloween ABC by Eve Merriam
  • A Day No Pigs Would Die by Robert Peck
  • Heather Has Two Mommies by Leslea Newman
  • Christine by Stephen King
  • I Know Why the Caged Bird Sings by Maya Angelou
  • Fallen Angels by Walter Myers
  • The New Teenage Body Book by Kathy McCoy and Charles Wibbelsman
  • Little Red Riding Hood by Jacob and Wilhelm Grimm
  • The Headless Cupid by Zilpha Snyder
  • Night Chills by Dean Koontz
  • Lord of the Flies by William Golding
  • A Separate Peace by John Knowles
  • Slaughterhouse-Five by Kurt Vonnegut
  • The Color Purple by Alice Walker
  • James and the Giant Peach by Roald Dahl
  • The Learning Tree by Gordon Parks
  • The Witches of Worm by Zilpha Snyder
  • My Brother Sam Is Dead by James Lincoln Collier and Christopher Collier
  • The Grapes of Wrath by John Steinbeck
  • Cujo by Stephen King
  • The Great Gilly Hopkins by Katherine Paterson
  • The Figure in the Shadows by John Bellairs
  • On My Honor by Marion Dane Bauer
  • In the Night Kitchen by Maurice Sendak
  • Grendel by John Champlin Gardner
  • I Have to Go by Robert Munsch
  • Annie on My Mind by Nancy Garden
  • The Adventures of Tom Sawyer by Mark Twain
  • The Pigman by Paul Zindel
  • My House by Nikki Giovanni
  • Then Again, Maybe I Won’t by Judy Blume
  • The Handmaid’s Tale by Margaret Atwood
  • Witches, Pumpkins, and Grinning Ghosts: The Story of the Halloween Symbols by Edna Barth
  • One Hundred Years of Solitude by Gabriel Garcia Marquez
  • Scary Stories 3: More Tales to Chill Your Bones by Alvin Schwartz
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