Monthly Archives: April 2006

Talk Like A Pirate

September 19, 2006 is Talk Like a Pirate Day, so you have the summer to learn the linguo. There are several sites that can help, such as Pirate Speak – Talk Like A Pirate Day UK Headquarters. There are some basic rules:

  • Double up on all your adjectives and you’ll be bountifully bombastic with your phrasing. Pirates never speak of “a big ship”, they call it a “great, grand ship!” They never say never, they say “No nay ne’er!”
  • Drop all your “g”‘s when you speak and you’ll get words like “rowin'”, “sailin'” and “fightin'”. Dropping all of your “v”‘s will get you words like “ne’er”, “e’er” and “o’er”.
  • Instead of saying “I am”, sailors say, “I be”. Instead of saying “You are”, sailors say, “You be”. Instead of saying, “They are”, sailors say, “They be”. Ne’er speak in anythin’ but the present tense!

The site also has a list of mighty useful piratical words that’ll help ye sound like ye belong.

Another site not only gives a list of expressions but also provides a (more or less effective) Pirate Speak Translator.

Arrr, so get goin’, mate, and learn ye the pirate speak. But try as ye might, ye’ll ne’er get me buried booty!

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Wacky Definitions

A friend sent me these, and they are brain teasers, although there was no source to them. If you know where they come from, please let me know. They are similar to the Daffynitions I found on

A cook that leaves Arby’s to work at McDonalds.

What a bullfighter tried to do.

The act of torching a mortgage.

What a crook sees with.

A short, ugly inmate.

Workers who put together kitchen cabinets.

What a barber does for a living.

A clumsy ophthalmologist.

What a guy in a boat does.

What the robber did when his bag was full of money.

How golfers create divots.

Two physicians.

What you see from the top of the Eiffel Tower.

A helper on the farm.

What penguins see with.

Removing your spouse from in front of the TV.

What trees do in the Spring.

What you do to relax your wife.

What the owner of a seafood store does.

A litigation brought against a government official

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Currently Reading…

Mr. Thimothy Mr. Timothy, by Louis Bayard

The concept of this novel interested me from the start. Timothy Cratchit, the “star” of Dickens’s A Christmas Carol is now grown up. Instead, however, of becoming as good a man as he was a child, he is adrift, a victim of Ebenezer Scrooge’s largesse, living in a brothel in exchange for teaching the madam to read, and encountering the ghost of his father at every corner. His life changes when he finds a dead young girl, horror still written on her face, marked with a cruel tattoo on her arm. The events that precipitate from that discovery will take him into danger and a pit of debauchery that threatens his life and his sanity.

Mr. Timothy is a rather inept hero, both naive and distracted, and certainly physically feeble, since he still has a limp (although he does not use a crutch anymore). Unfortunately, Bayard has made him so inept that following him through his “Ad-ven-ture” is more painful than enjoyable. The story is difficult to pinpoint: is it a story of coming of age, a story of restoration, or a mystery/thriller? It seems to want to be all three, but does not quite accomplish it. The prose alternates between basic and pretentious with spurts of charm, and makes the reader stumble at times. In the end, both the characters and the story left me indifferent.

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