April 10th, 2009
Fiction Friday . Writing
Fiction Friday >> Write Anything
[Fiction] Friday Challenge for April 10, 2009:
A dentist is stabbed while he waits in line at the movies.
The girl in front of him had a nice ass, and, bonus, when she turned to look at him and smiled, a great set of teeth. As a dentist, he appreciated good dentition.
The line shuffled up a few feet and he suppressed a sigh. What was he doing here, waiting in line to see the last chick flick when he could be home relaxing in front of the tube with a beer and some nachos? Tina, that was what. She wanted to see the damned movie and he’d agreed to go with her. So far, though, he wasn’t pleased. Yeah, Tina was always late, and he was holding a place in line for her but he had the feeling that she wasn’t going to show up. Damn the woman. Why did he always end up doing things he didn’t want to just because she asked?
A guy jostled him from behind.
“Hey, buddy,” he said, “back off, will you? It won’t go faster if you push.”
A growl, then a sharp pain in the vicinity of his kidneys. He gasped, reached for his back. His hand came back red. Blood. “What the…?”
Someone screamed.
Comments
Even though we both struggled with this one, you managed to do something I didn’t. You mentioned him being a dentist! I like the unknown reason for the stabbing, makes me wonder, and that is always fun.
Aden
April 10th, 2009
loved the little mention of professional intrigue with the girls nice teeth.
great conversational style – inviting the readers empathy immediately. Our poor dentists.. what a unlucky lot they have been this week!
welcome to Friday Fiction – it would seem I have a few things to discover on your website and am itching to start clicking over some of the tabs!!
Looking forward to reading more of your work
Annie
April 11th, 2009
I liked how you focused on the dentist’s perceptions of the girl in front of her and her lovely teeth and how he was frustrated with himself for waiting in yet another line he didn’t want to be in when he knew he’d be stood up again. If he survives this one… I wonder if his obsession with Tina would be enough to make him do this again. Nice job!
Rob
April 11th, 2009
I’m really liking your Fiction Fridays! What a great idea.
Getting to read your stuff is a treat in itself.
Stephe
April 11th, 2009
I always look forward to reading your work and Aden’s to see what you can pack into your short burst of writing. Makes an interesting diversion when reading all the Fiction Friday’s.
Like Annie I enjoy the conversational style – it is something I always struggle to pull of authentically and you do it well. I also liked the sizing up for the woman in front of him and the easy addition of the fact that he was a dentist through the admiration of her teeth. Didn’t need to spell out that he was a dentist.
Wrong place at the wrong time – and after some different ‘rage’ stories of late – I can completley understand how someone would just flip out and stab someone in the kidneys just for a simple back off dude statement.
My entry this week is The Belgium Beer Cafe
Jodi Cleghorn
April 12th, 2009