Life’s Weirder Than Fiction

The Washington Post has, once again, published a list of neologisms based on common words:

• Coffee (n.), a person who is coughed upon.
• Flabbergasted (adj.), appalled over how much weight you have gained.
• Abdicate (v.), to give up all hope of ever having a flat stomach.
• Esplanade (v.), to attempt an explanation while drunk.
• Willy-nilly (adj.), impotent
• Negligent (adj.), describes a condition in which you absentmindedly answer the door in your nightie.
• Lymph (v.), to walk with a lisp.
• Gargoyle (n.), an olive-flavored mouthwash.
• Flatulence (n.) the emergency vehicle that picks you up after you are run over by a steamroller.
• Balderdash (n.), a rapidly receding hairline.
• Testicle (n.), a humorous question on an exam.
• Rectitude (n.), the formal, dignified demeanor assumed by a proctologist immediately before he examines you.
• Oyster (n.), a person who sprinkles his conversation with Yiddish expressions.
• Circumvent (n.), the opening in the front of boxer shorts.
• Frisbeetarianism (n.), The belief that, when you die, your soul goes up on the roof and gets stuck there.
• Pokemon (n), A Jamaican proctologist.
• Bustard (n.), a rude bus driver.
• Semantics (n.), pranks conducted by young men studying for the priesthood.
• Spatula: n. A fight among vampires.
• Excruciate: n., the ligament that attaches your ex-wife to your paycheck.
• Perplexed: adj., lost in a movie theater.
• Population: n., that nice sensation you get when drinking soda.
• Racket: n., a small pair of breasts.
• Nincompoop: n., the military command responsible for battlefield sanitation.
• Ineffable: adj., describes someone you absolutely cannot swear in front of.
• Pontificate: n., a document given to each graduating pope.
• Pimple: n., pimp’s apprentice.
• Discussion: n., a Frisbee-related head injury.
• Ozone: n., area in which the G-spot is located.
• Flattery: n., a place that manufactures A and B cup brassieres only.
• Cabbage Patch: A patch for those trying to stop eating cabbage.
• Sudafed: A software program on how to file a civil action against the government.
• Pop Secret: Paternity suit settled without publicity.
• Oral-B: Monica’s grade on her last intern evaluation.

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